9 Undeniable Behaviors of Toxic Friends and How to Spot Them

Humans are social beings. Ideally, we want authentic, trustworthy, and honest friendships. We want a friend who will pick up our groceries if we are sick, one who listens without judgment, or one who comforts us when our sibling dies.

We want someone who is easy-going and will laugh with us and not at us, or someone who will be with us, on our deathbeds, to see us to the other side. But why is this type of friend so hard to find these days?

That’s a complicated question, and I don’t have a direct answer, but I do have some thoughts.

Based on decades of life experiences and education, I believe I have a decent grasp of what kind of person is harmful and what kind of person would be considered a good friend.

If your friend (male or female) shows any of the following nine behaviors consistently, be cautious. They likely don’t care about you and may be using you.

9 toxic behaviors of so-called friends

1. They dismiss your feelings

Anyone who does not acknowledge how you feel, or worse, tells you that you shouldn’t feel a certain way, is detrimental to your mental health. They haven’t learned how to handle their own feelings, so they won’t be able to help you. They will not comfort you during difficult times when you need a friend by your side. Instead, they will make you feel insecure about your problem, and you will not feel at ease with them. How could you? People like this are afraid of vulnerability. Your relationship will be superficial.

This type of person is not a good friend.

2. They talk over you

This one is so awful that I immediately walk away. Do you have a friend who constantly interrupts or talks over you? If this is the case, they are not listening to you – they want to hear themselves speak. Why would you hang around someone who doesn’t listen? I guarantee they don’t SEE you either. A person like this will never get to know the real you because they are focusing on themselves.

Run from this person.

3. They only talk about themselves

Have you ever met someone who can’t stop yapping about themselves? You cannot wait for the opportunity to run away from them. This behavior from a stranger is awful enough, but coming from a friend, it makes you want to scream. A person who only talks about himself every time you meet does not care about you. They are using you to hear themselves talk. Or, they lack basic communication skills, which are vital for a good friendship.

Run from this person, too. It is not your job to fix them or teach them communication skills.

4. They shame you

This one is a red flag and an immediate deal breaker! Shaming anyone for anything is not helpful, especially if that person just opened their heart. A real friend does not shame; they uplift. They give full acceptance without judgment. Their goal is to encourage and love their friend, not tear them down by shaming them. If you find yourself in a situation where someone is shaming you, run. This person does not accept or love themselves, so they cannot love you. It is a sad state of affairs, really.

5. They disrespect your time

Have you ever had a friend who always shows up late? Once or twice with an apology is okay – everyone is late sometimes, to no fault of their own. But if arriving late is a pattern, beware. Consistent lateness can be a tool used by covert narcissists to gain power over you. It is also passive-aggressive behavior. This person does not respect your time; they believe their time is more important than yours. Arriving late consistently is disrespectful. Why would you want an inconsiderate person in your life?

6. They do not ask about the people you love

I once had a friend who never inquired about my husband. It was as if he never existed. We had been friends for years and had many hobbies in common. Towards the end of our relationship, I realized that she refused to ask about my man. At first, I did not sense envy or jealousy, but then I realized that was what it was.

The thing is, once you see someone’s true character, then you notice other red flags, and your eyes become wide open. I realized this person was actually using me to assuage her misery, like a narcissistic person would do. She did not care one iota about me.

If a friend is only focused on herself and never asks about the other important people in your life, then they are damaged. They might be using you, and you deserve better.

7. They do not apologize to you

A person who never apologizes is a major red flag. None of us is perfect, and we all make mistakes. We hurt each other by accident; we say things we don’t mean or are careless with our words. Most people do not want to harm others, but when we do, we need to acknowledge it and apologize. When we don’t genuinely apologize, however, it ruins the relationship. Resentment ensues. Bitterness takes root. If you have a friend who won’t apologize, you have a problem. This is a person who cares more about their own pride and ego than you. They are not your friend, and it might be worse – they could be abusive, which brings me to the last two toxic behaviors.

8. They try to manipulate you

Manipulation is one of the worst types of abuses and is fueled by selfishness. A friend who manipulates cares only about his or her needs; they do not “see” you. They see themselves and want to make you do whatever it is for their own selfish desires. There are different level s of manipulation, some more detrimental than others. Any type of manipulation is inspired by selfish reasons, though.

Run as fast as you can from manipulative people.

9. They gaslight you

The word “gaslight” is used a lot these days, but what does it mean? According to Dictionary.com, someone who gaslights is “a person who uses psychological methods to manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity, memory, or powers of reasoning.”

This is a friend who makes you feel crazy. Have you ever encountered this type of behavior? It can be insidious, covert, and extremely damaging. Abusers of all kinds, whether physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, or mental, are gaslighters. They lie to keep you in line, and so you adhere to their demands. Gaslighting is extremely destructive, and in most cases, fueled by narcissism.

To say that you should run from a gaslighter is an understatement. Run and never look back!

Beware of toxic people

These are just some of the characteristics of toxic people. It needs to be said that all of us behave badly at times. No one is perfect. The difference, however, between a good friend and a toxic person is whether the person is willing to understand your perspective and apologize for harming you. When you tell them that you will not tolerate any one of the above behaviors, watch how they respond. If they dismiss your concerns, gaslight you, shift the blame, ignore you, or become angry, it is time to evaluate your friendship.

You deserve better.

What about family members or lovers who exhibit these abusive behaviors? This might be a controversial statement, and some of you might not agree with me, but the same rules apply: if they are toxic, you have the right to disengage or to end your association with them.

No fuss. No shame. Only take the best care of yourself.

It’s about you. How much self-respect do you have? If you are allowing a toxic person in your life – whether abusive, narcissistic, or mentally ill – ask yourself why. Why are you okay with disrespect? Are you afraid of being alone, so you tolerate abuse?

“It is better to be alone than allow someone to abuse or disrespect you.”

A person who does the above nine things is not your friend, whether a lover, best friend, or family member. They are using you for their own enrichment. They are weak and have not learned to heal from their pain. And, you cannot fix them.

As hard as it is, sometimes ending the friendship is the most loving thing you can do for yourself. Choose wisely.